The Solution News
"Happy, joyous and always free!"
Since 1991
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Recovery Humor
Don't Take Yourself So Seriously
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her. However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman an American, and a Scotsman walked into a bar. The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "He knows when to stop."
A beer was spilt on the barroom floor,
And the bar was closed for the night...
And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse,
Who made a funny sight...
He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor,
And back on his haunches he sat...
And all through the night you could hear him yell,
"Bring on the damn cat!"
After spending a happy evening drinking together, two acquaintances promise to meet again in ten years at the same bar, same time.
Ten years later, the first guy walks in, looks around, and sure enough, there is his friend on a bar stool. He clasps the old friend's hand and cries, "The day we left, I didn't think I'd really see you here!"
The friend looks up, stares, sways slightly and asks, "Who left?"
A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous. The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right. After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how in the hell did she do that?"
This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a big dude on the next stool says, "That seat's taken!"The little dude sits down anyway. The big dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his hand and tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan." Next day the little dude returns, before the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he hits the big dude several times and the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude tells the bartender, "Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was Monkey Wrench from Sears."
A guy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the guy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast." The guy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have." The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
The guy says, "Fifty cents."
This guy goes into a bar and sees a man pounding shots of bourbon as fast as the bartender can pour them. He watches for a while then finally goes up to the drunk."What kind of a way is that to drink good bourbon?" he asks.
"It's the only way I can drink it since my accident," the man replies, throwing down two more shots in fast order.
"What kind of accident was that?"
The man guzzles another shot, shudders and then answers, "I once knocked over a drink with my elbow."
How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one - he holds the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.
How many Al-Anons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. They leave it alone and let it screw it's self.
If an alcoholic says something in the forest and there's no al-anon there to hear him, is he still wrong?
How can you tell you're at an Alanon meeting?
Someone spills their coffee and everyone gets up to clean it up.
Did you hear there's a new 12-step program for people who talk too much?
It's called on-and-on-anon
My drug of choice was more.
Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine. The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person's neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go. The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person's neck. That person, too, was released. As the codependent walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: "You know, I think I know how to fix that."
Ask an alcoholic what time it is and he'll tell you how to build a clock
A guy goes to a friend's funeral and during the service asks the man's aunt,
"What a shame, how did he die?"
"Cirrhosis," she laments.
"That's terrible, did he ever quit drinking?"
Oh, no," she replied. "It never got that bad."
Since I've joined AA, I've gained quite a bit of weight. A friend told me it was because I didn't get as much exercise as I used to. "But I never exercised while I was still drinking," I protested. "Sure you did," he countered. "Here's the exercise program you were on:"
- Hitting the bottle
- Beating yourself up
- Bending the rules
- Stretching the truth
- Jogging your memory
- Running into trouble
- Jumping to conclusions
- Stepping on toes
- Climbing the walls
- Dodging responsibility
- Pushing your luck
- Pulling the wool over peoples eyes
- Walking all over people
- Carrying a grudge
- Throwing fits
- Picking up the pieces.
Wow! Small wonder I've put on a few pounds!
